Are you suffering from motherhood extremism? Get yourself a glass of wine and an orgasm NOW. Doctor’s orders!

Have you gone from being a laid-back, free-spirited person, to having a baby then suddenly becoming anti-germs, anti-peroxide, anti-chemical, anti-booze, anti-flights, anti-public transport, anti-waxer, anti-makeup, anti-animals, anti-penis, anti-smokers, anti-Islam, anti-gay and anti-social?

Are you someone who hardly takes their child outside because of the fear of a pigeon flapping its diseased wing within a 1-metre radius of your offspring?

Have you become someone who burns inside like a witch when someone else’s child reaches a milestone before your child?

If you answered yes to all of the above then you might just be reaching dangerous levels of motherhood extremism.

Take a deep breath and check yourself before you end up walking around with a gas mask and a rottweiler dog leash on your precious child.

I’m not judging, I’ve been extreme on many occasions. I’ve had a shaky smelly junkie sneeze over my shoulder on the bus whilst I was breastfeeding once and I wanted to call the police and the ambulance because I was convinced he gave us syphilis. The protectiveness runs so deep. Every time my daughter screams it feels like an electric shock.

Research shows that overprotective parenting does more bad than good. There is evidence that children raised by over controlling parents have higher levels of depression and lack confidence. That’s pretty sad hey?

Nature has designed us to naturally respond to our babies cries — otherwise, if we didn’t respond to their needs, well.. they might just end up dead. That’s how dependent they are on us. Mothers have the enormous pressure of keeping mankind alive and kicking… but still, there’s room to let go every now and again mamasitas.

Just because your baby touched a dogs anus doesn’t mean you have to vigorously wash 2 layers of skin off their hands. Research proves the more a child is exposed to animal faeces before the age of 2, the less likely they are to develop common allergies and the stronger their immune system will be too.

Just because you and baby have inhaled some cigarette smoke from passers-by in the street doesn’t mean it’s OK to behave like you’ve inhaled bongs of crystal meth. If you grew up in the 80s like I did, we were gassed out by Benson & Hedges cigarette smoke on buses, trains and even at the Doctor’s surgery and my lungs are pretty decent considering. Try not to stress mummies.

Just because your toddler can shit in a potty by 18 months doesn’t make them an Einstein in the making. Get a grip. Note to self.

Just because your child isn’t reciting Shakespeare by 18 months doesn’t mean it’s a good time to book your toddler Mandarin lessons to develop their language skills. Loosen the hell up Mami and allow your baby to develop naturally

I was close to not vaccinating my daughter because of the fear of her becoming autistic, but I soon realised the paranoid energy I was exuding is the perfect recipe for creating a child with emotional and social challenges.

The best gift we can give our children is our happiness

“The heart is like a garden. It can grow compassion or fear, resentment or love. What seeds will you plant there?” – Buddha

What lessons are we teaching our kids? The great satisfaction of good hand washing or a sense of peace and joy?

A course of treatment for motherhood extremism: more orgasms and more wine.

Back in the 1900s European women diagnosed with “hysteria” were prescribed a piece of wood and sent home to masturbate. In some cases, doctors were trained to masturbate women to orgasm, purely for stress relief. Luckily with the invention of vibrators, masturbation services are no longer available by our health care providers. Women are now free to release anxiety in the comfort of our homes.

There are tremendous health benefits to orgasms:

  • lowers your cortisol levels
  • regulates your emotions
  • regulates your menstrual cycle
  • boosts fertility
  • improves digestion
  • improves mood
  • floods your body with oxytocin and endorphins
  • relieves stress
  • could help with insomnia

So dig out your box of naughty toys, dust off that vibrator and set your spirit free after a long ass day.

And on wine:

Breastfeeding mothers are often told to abstain from alcohol whilst nursing. What a bore! If anyone needs the occasional bubbly it’s a mother. There is no evidence that 1 or 2glasses of wine every now and again will harm your baby.

If there’s any country I trust it’s Sweden. They have some of the best looking, highly intelligent and secure humans per square meter and their national breastfeeding guide says it’s OK to indulge in the odd glass.

As long as the consumption is moderate you’re good to go.

I’m not promoting binge drinking and whiskey shots for breakfast here, but come on, enjoy a good quality Sancerre with your meal then put your feet up. Don’t spend your evening Googling what the causes of long-term brain damage is in babies.

A mother’s constant fear can have a profound effect on her child’s development, including an increased risk of the child developing mental health problems. I’m pretty sure that Googling unnecessary symptoms in the middle of the night is more likely to harm your baby than a small glass of wine.

When I was leaving the hospital after giving birth, my midwife ran after me like her life depended on it, grabbed me and said: “You’re allowed to treat yourself to a glass of wine whilst breastfeeding. If you want to be extra cautious don’t breastfeed for one hour after a drink, otherwise, have a drink dear.” I must’ve looked desperate for her to have chased after me with that information, but I was grateful.

In Berlin, the soft play centres have a bar and the breastfeeding mums enjoy a guilt-free afternoon beer. Prost!

In Madrid, I’ve seen a big mama breastfeeding two healthy bright toddlers at the same time whilst sipping on a glass of Rioja. Salute to that.

Stop fearing the worst. Listen to your body, stay connected to who you really are and you will know how much wine to drink.

Listen to your inner voice and you’ll know that screaming hysterically at your child for accidentally knocking food on the floor whilst eating isn’t right. A little mess isn’t the end of the world. Donald Trump hasn’t hit the nuclear button just yet, so chill Mama, have a drink — or an orgasm.

Chin chin.


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